What it Truly Means to Be Human

Those of you who are LDS may remember from President Monson's talk this past conference him speaking of a retired doctor named Jack McConnell who started a medical clinic staffed by volunteers of retied medical persons. Those of you who have not heard of him he is a man who grew up being asked by his father everyday at the dinner table "what have you done for someone today?" He says that has guided him his whole life (a life filled with great medical accomplishments), and when he found boredom in retirement he put his time, effort, and skills to good work.

I decided to look this man up. Probably to make him and what he does more real in my mind. I found him and viewing some videos on him and what he has done did make him more real. Here are a couple good videos on the clinic and organization Volunteers in Medicine that he helped create:

And here is a link to the clinic's website. I recommend reading the history, although a lot of it was covered in the above two videos.

I'm not gunna lie. I feel that this is the way something like "universal healthcare" should be done. It seems to add the greatest benefit to individuals and to our society as a whole. Greater benefit than any entitlement based healthcare system can bring. Something like this is where our time and focus should be. Not some 2000+ page bill that plays favors to politicians across the country. But that is me getting far more political than I wanted to in this post.

How Do I Get Lost?

Probably my favorite summary of the teachings of Jesus Christ is said in the Savior's own words in St Matthew 10:39 (as well as a few other places), "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."

It's been years since I first heard or read those words and it is taking years to feel like I may be beginning to grasp what those words mean. When we first hear the idea of losing yourself to find yourself (or hear it the 100th time) we scratch our heads and say, "that sounds nice, but what does it mean?" "You have a much better chance of finding something if you're looking for it. Hello!" "How do I get lost to find ME?" "Heck, how do I get lost?"

There are a lot of self-help books out there that talk about the importance of finding yourself first. They teach that to be independent, make sure your needs are met first. You are the most important person in your life. Forget others; just think about what makes you happy. The happiness of others cannot happen until you are happy.

I don't buy it. Any of it. At least not anymore.

Anytime I've thought that way I've been miserable. Maybe not at first. In fact, at first I feel invigorated. I feel what I think is freedom. But really it ends up being captivation, because instead of inviting feelings of love and joy and fostering a mindset that leads to choices that matter, it slowly invites feelings of selfishness and greed. I think about me, and then after some time I learn that thinking about me is fun. It's like a drug. I just can't get enough. Wow, look at me. I'm awesome. Come here everyone and bask in my awesomeness and you can be happy too.

Tying to another teaching of Jesus Christ, I hear people quote, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind," and "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself," and (appropriately) saying that these are the two greatest commandments. But, they add, "You can't love your neighbor unless you love yourself first."

I used to agree with that way of thinking. But it never worked. At least not for me. I eventually had the same problem with that as the self-help books. They were the same way of thinking. If I tried to consciously love myself first, I really didn't have time to love my neighbor. I was way too interesting. Or sometimes I was way too worthless so there was no way I could love others.

So then back to the questions, how do I get lost? How do I lose myself? Is there any room for thinking about 'me' when losing myself?

I don't think there is.

I think of those I know that were or are selfless with their life and then I ultimately end up thinking about my Savior who I feel they emulated. Looking at my Savior's life I can find no record where He ever put his feelings first.

Think about the woman who was caught in the act of adultery. What if Christ's thinking was "I can help her but what if she goes and sins some more? She will just ignore the atonement I will be performing for her. That hurts. Never mind let them stone her. It'll hurt too much if she does sin again."

What if He thought that each time I repented?

Yet He doesn't think that way, and "his arm is stretched out still." Everyday He allows me to hurt Him, because He has found His life through losing it for me and you. He is not allowing selfish thoughts about His pain interfere and somehow because He isn’t allowing those thoughts He isn’t having them and He is happy and at peace and filled with more love than we can fathom.

I am happy when I lose myself and unhappy when I try to find myself first.

What do you think?

The Words of a Prophet.

Here are some words said by a political scientist turned apostle and prophet:


“Make no mistake about it, brothers and sisters -- in the months and years ahead, events are likely to require each member to decide whether or not he will follow the First Presidency. Members will find it more difficult to halt longer between two opinions (see 1 Kgs 18:21).

“President Marion G. Romney said, many years ago, that he had 'never hesitated to follow the counsel of the Authorities of the Church even though it crossed my social, professional or political life.' (CR, Apr 1941) This is hard doctrine, but it is particularly vital doctrine in a society which is becoming more wicked. In short, brothers and sisters, not being ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ includes not being ashamed of the prophets of Jesus Christ…

“Your discipleship may see the time come when religious convictions are heavily discounted. M. J. Sobran observed, ‘A religious conviction is now a second-class conviction, expected to step deferentially to the back of the secular bus, and not to get uppity about it’ (Human Life Review, Summer 1978, p. 58). This new irreligious imperialism seeks to disallow certain of people's opinions simply because those opinions grow out of religious convictions. Resistance to abortion will soon be seen as primitive. Concern over the institution of the family will be viewed as untrendy and unenlightened…

“Before the ultimate victory of the forces of righteousness, some skirmishes will be lost. Even these, however, must leave a record so that the choices before the people are clear and let others do as they will in the face of prophetic counsel. There will also be times, happily, when a minor defeat seems probable, that others will step forward, having been rallied to righteousness by what we do. We will know the joy, on occasion, of having awakened a slumbering majority of the decent people of all races and creeds--a majority which was, till then, unconscious of itself.

“Jesus said that when the fig trees put forth their leaves ‘summer is nigh’ (Matt. 24:32). Thus warned that summer is upon us, let us not then complain of the heat.”

Said 30 years ago (See the link for who said it and when). What do you think?

Halloween Year-round

So, as I was leaving the grocery store this morning an employee said the following while giving me a high five:

"Whoa, awesome! Except it isn't Halloween anymore."

At first I was confused. Then I remembered.  I have a birthmark on my face.

Good times.

Stalking a Serviceman - A Plane Ride

I'm not someone who likes to pry into someone else’s life. I don't like hearing things I shouldn't hear or seeing things I shouldn't see (see Involuntary Stalking). Luckily though, last week on a business trip I was able to see and hear a small tidbit into the life of one of our countries finest. The life of an army serviceman returning from Iraq.

The soldier

I sat in one of those small economy jets enjoying the spacious cabin while reading a good book and on came a soldier dressed in uniform. He was happy. I would later find out he was going home for a short break after 14 months of service in Iraq, to which he would return and do another tour of the same length.

This solider sat in the row in front of me, putting me in a perfect position to get a taste of who this man was. A stewardess also noticed him, and wanted to show this man how much she respected him, though she had never met him. She offered him a seat closer to the door. Lucky for me not everyone had boarded yet so no seats ended up being available and he was stuck in the row in front of me. She was denied one attempt to show this man honor, but did not let that stop her from a second attempt.

The stewardess picked up her phone thingy that lets her speak to the spacious cabin all at once and openly thanked that serviceman for his service and invited us in the cabin to show him the same thankfulness and respect. We in the cabin responded with applause.

The conversations he had

Another soldier in civilian clothes was sitting in the row in front of the serviceman. They talked. The soldier in civilian clothes asked why he was in uniform, the serviceman responded that they were now supposed to return home in uniform. The soldier in civilian clothes also asked if he was going to have a drink on the plane ride, the serviceman responded that returning soldiers were not to drink on their trip home anymore either.

The woman he sat next to asked about his family. He took out some pictures and showed them to the woman and with joy told her about his son, daughter and wife. He talked about taking them to Sea World and Disneyland during his visit home. He sounded joyful.

I couldn't help but have respect and admiration for this man I had never met and never spoke to. I didn't know him. But the way he spoke to others was with respect and his attitude toward what may seem pointless rules was one of voluntary obedience.

The fourteen month reunion

This was my first business trip away from my family. I slept the night before alone in my house as my wife went to stay with family during my trip. I missed my wife and newborn son greatly. But so far it had been only one night.

When the serviceman exited the plane I heard the words "daddy" said more beautifully than I have ever heard them spoken and saw his little boy run up to this large soldier and wrap his arms around his father's neck, tears filling the little boy's eyes. The boy looked like he would never let go. That was followed by a little girl doing a similar thing. This soldier lifted both children up and held them in his arms. A mother stood watching longingly, and with admiration. I looked back often as I left the terminal, and the picture didn't change.

A tear came to my eye. I wanted/want to be a father like that. Thank you unknown soldier.

What Powers Does Government Have?

I like when I read something and it ignites the ole mind. Sometimes it ignites an idea inside of me that has absolutely nothing to do with what I read. I also like talking to people.

The other day a coworker of mine shared how he was tired of all the junk going on politically and how he wanted something to be done about it. I agreed.

I wonder how much politically is just hot air and how much will actually affect me and my family. I recently-ish became a dad for the first time. Wow what an awesome experience. My new child with my beautiful wife has made me happier than I could have ever imagined. I love more than I have ever loved. I thank my Heavenly Father.

Is the moral fabric of this country falling apart because people want it that way or because the majority isn't doing anything about it? Can they do anything about it?

All those thoughts are mostly independent in context but to me tie to what the title of this post is and what I'm going to write about next. What powers does government have?

I have recently read an article that argued for what most people consider as political conservatism. It argued that government should only have the power to protect our rights to life, liberty, and property and that government should not (or could not rightfully) infringe upon one of those rights to supposedly fulfill one of the other rights. It also argued that government should be servant to the people and not the other way around.

Is that how it should be? If so should we be looking toward the government to fill all our needs or justify our desires, which appears to me to be the case today?

The founding fathers of the United States of America said our rights came from the Almighty. They also said that it was the government’s job to protect those rights.

It seems to me that it wasn't the government's job to decide what was right and what was wrong but to uphold the rights of each citizen that were not even ours to give or take from ourselves but given to each one of us by our Supreme Creator. I don't think government should decide what is right and what is wrong for the people it serves. Is this a correct train of thought?

In the end governments fall and governments rise. We as human beings are seeking the best way to govern ourselves. I just do not feel that the government is greater than those who create it. That leads me to what may well be my next post. The question of where do correct principles come from and where do they not come from. In other words what is right and what is wrong and what is the source?

How Important is Marriage?

What is marriage?

In the year 2000, 61% of voting California citizens said that it was something that could only be done with one man and one woman.

In the year 2008, four out of seven judges in California say any human can marry any other human regardless of gender. This over turned the vote of 4,618,673 Californians.

Two humans of the same gender can produce no children. Law of entropy?

When is what we want to do a wrong thing and when is it a right thing?

Questions?

And you thought it would take at least a year before I wrote on this blog again. Well that is if "you" even exist anymore. I'm sure that most have removed me from their RSS feeds, and others have completely given up on including my blog in their daily cup of "coffee." Well I'm back, and hopefully consistent. The nearly one year of writers block is gone... for at least today.

So I have been thinking about stuff other than babies, MBA school, and my cute wife (but not much). I want to know what principles America or even we as a human race are basing our lives on and striving to achieve. I know there is a lot of talk about "change we can believe in" or "world peace," etc. But what kind of change and what kind of peace? What are we believing in?

I have a belief in my belief system that each person has certain principles they hold themselves to, whether they are aware of them or not. Someone may do the "right thing" because it makes them look good, they get votes, they get a tax break, just cause, or because it is the right thing to do. People may want to save polar bears because they believe animals and humans are worth the same, or because they believe all of God's creatures should be respected and not abused, or just cause they like white fluffy animals that eat you. In essence people have reasons they do the things they do.

So when is that reason right or when is that reason wrong? Or does the principle/reason for an action not matter as long as the outcome is interpreted as good? If that is the case then what is good and what is bad? Is the purpose of this life to fight for what we want to be right or what is already right? I believe in the principle of “by their fruits you shall know them” but what if the person or group I am trying to know is just a sapling?

I believe that there is a right and that there is a wrong. I believe that mankind is not perfect, but we as a people desire to progress. Unfortunately sometimes as we work to progress we miss the progression line and instead digress. What does it take to progress?

I believe the answers are there, so how do we find them?

The World Commission

Dr. Smartke sat at his desk, facing the large monitor connected to the World Bank medical database. He was staring at the screen intently as he unconsciously gnawed on his fingernails.

"So close,” Dr. Smartke whispered under his breath.

Slamming his palm on the desktop, he stood up and wandered across the room, lost in his thoughts. Not intentionally, he came to the only window the lab had.

It was around three o'clock and the sun was just coming into view through the westward window. The sun reflected off the neighboring buildings coated in their UV protectant paint. No plants could be seen in the expansive view. They either had all died or had been moved to Greeneries, large buildings that simulated "outside" where people could walk and get a breath of "fresh air." The glowing ball of gas that used to be the source of life on the earth was now the source of death. It had become a disease plaguing the Earth, and he, Dr. Smartke, was responsible for finding its cure.

"I may be onto something, Dad."

The words startled the doctor, and coming out of his train of thought he turned. There sitting at another large monitor closer to the window sat Michael Smartke, his son.

"Wha...what is it Michael?" Dr. Smartke said as he realigned his thoughts.

"These two compounds," Michael said, pointing to his screen. "In this simulation, when they collide in an atmosphere similar to what ours has become, they produce another compound that does not allow the damaging rays of the sun through for nearly seven minutes before dissipating."

Pointing to the compound he had labeled SPF, Michael stated, "I'm going to try to increase it a little, just to see what happens."

He increased the compound just slightly and again ran his simulation. Nine minutes.

"Nine minutes!" Michael said loudly. He continued to increase the SPF compound in the electronic simulation.

Twelve minutes. Seventeen minutes. Thirty-nine minutes. Dr. Smartke watched in amazement as his son continued to have success. Tears began to well up in his eyes.

Could this be it? he thought. Could my son have figured out how to save the world?

"Dad, I think we need to test this in the Machine."

The lab door swung open. A beautiful brown-haired young woman in a lab coat entered, her arms full of bottles with a variety of labels. Her bright blue eyes met up with Dr. Smartke.

"Father, could you clear me a space on that table right there to set these down?” the young woman asked.

Dr. Smartke rushed to the table and cleared a space.

"It worked Elizabeth!" said Michael. "I was inspired to have you get those compounds for me. The computer simulation is a success, and we're ready to use the Machine test. Isn't that right Dad?"

Still trying to gather his senses after all this success and excitement, Dr. Smartke’s response was a little delayed.

"Y-yes. Yes! Let's get the Machine ready. Let's physically create these compounds and let's test it!"

"The machine should be ready now," Elizabeth responded. "John has been there for two hours already. If he hasn't gotten distracted by a pair of dark brown eyes attached to the name of Rebecka, we should be able to begin the Machine test in twenty minutes."

"You knew. You two, er, three, knew this would work so well on the computer that you have already gotten the Machine ready?" Dr. Smartke said, bewildered by his childrens' actions.

"Smartke intuition, Mother always says, is hardly ever off." Elizabeth replied as she winked at her Father.

"Let's test this thing!" Michael said, jumping from his seat and walking over to help Elizabeth carry the compounds to the Machine for testing.

* * *

Dr. Smartke sat in his chair, watching his children as they interacted with one another, getting the Machine ready for the test. Their witty remarks bounced off each other as well as their intellectual thoughts did. They fed off each other so well. In today’s world, one kid was a blessing, but three! Dr. Smartke couldn’t believe his kids had turned out so well and were able to contribute so much. If this collaboration of their work was a success, he might be able to watch their children have the same relationship while they interacted outside, under the SUN, with plants and trees and even insects. To watch a bee pollinate a flower was something he hadn't done since he was a child, and because of the work of each of his children he might be able to do it again.

"The beast is ready," John said. "Is SPF 45 ready yet?"

"Yes. Almost," Michael replied.

"Last I checked, almost is still a no, not a yes," said John.

"Okay, done," Michael said as he began stepping back from the Machine.

"Keep backing up-- I don't want you too close to the beast. Elizabeth and I are far too busy to have to save your life again," said John.

"You allow your siblings to save your life one time, just one time, and they never let you live it down," said Michael.

"That's because we don't want you to ever forget that we love you and care for you very much… and because we want you to feel guilty," Elizabeth chimed in, with a smile on her face.

Dr. Smartke remembered the incident. Michael had been only eight, and it had been “fire” season, the hottest and most treacherous time of the year. But an eight-year old doesn’t always understand danger, especially when he sees his best friend about to face it. The family dog, Rex, had escaped when the garage door opened as Michael played with the circuitry to see how it worked. Michael had run outside, exposing his skin and body to the extreme temperatures, just to save the dog. He had been covered with third, fourth, and even some fifth-degree burns all over his body when they found him.

Dr. Smartke had thought his son had died. But he hadn’t died; he was right here in the room about to see the results of an experiment he had helped create, an experiment that might make their world livable again.

"It's a good thing my muscular six-year old brother and Elizabeth with her four-year old arms were able to put on their sun suits in time to drag me back inside, just before I became jerky on the driveway. Now hopefully I can repay them with my contribution to the possible success of this experiment," said Michael.

"Enough said. Let's get on with it," said Elizabeth.

"Here we go!" said John.

John stared intently at the screen in front of him to make sure the experiment stayed under control. Michael, Elizabeth and Dr. Smartke looked over his shoulder and then to the Machine as they waited in anticipation.

"So far so good," said John.

"Please knock on wood," said Michael.

"I would if I could, but there ain't no wood," responded John. "Wood is too expensive."

Three minutes passed by and the compounds were about to collide. Dr. Smartke intently watched. Everything was working wonderfully. Beyond anything he had dreamed.

Ten minutes later, the protective atmosphere the compounds had created still held. Thirty minutes and they still held. Forty minutes, so far longer than any computer simulation, and the atmosphere still held. An hour passed.

Oh, what beautiful children. What could I have done without them? thought Dr. Smartke.

"These readings are incredible. The atmosphere is still holding strong," said John.

Three hours had passed and few words were spoken. The atmosphere still held, showing no signs of breaking down.

"You did it," Dr Smartke said, almost in a whisper. "You did it. You kids did it."

"Father, we could have hardly done this without you," Michael said softly in return. "Thank you, Father."

* * *

"Dr. Smartke!"

Dr. Smartke's body jerked as he awoke from what seemed to be a nap. He rubbed his eyes and blinked until he could see the person who had called his name so abruptly. Didn't he deserve some rest after all they had accomplished? His eyes coming into focus, Dr. Smartke recognized the individual who had said his name. It was the bulbous bouffant-haired front desk receptionist at the lab.

"Your wife has been calling you for the past hour and thought you had died. She'd like you to call her back," she said.

"Oh, my wife! Thank you Sharon. I'll call her right away,"

"I can't believe I forgot to tell Susan about today!" He said to himself after the receptionist had left.

Pushing a button on his keypad, he called home to the woman he had been married to for the past thirty-seven years. Won't she be so proud.

"Charles, you finally called me back!"

"Sorry, dear, I was just so tired after all that had happened today. We did it, we finally did it. We figured it out. I say we, but it was mostly the kids, Michael, John, and Elizabeth. Our brilliant children did it! They did it!"

There was a pause. A long drawn-out pause. Not being able to take the silence any longer, Dr. Smartke said again, "Susan, our kids did it!"

Another pause came.

"Charles. What children?" Susan responded.

"Our children, Michael, John, Elizabeth. Our brilliant children!"

Silence returned.

"Charles. We don't have any children. Michael died long ago, and because of the World Commission to have only one child, we did not have any other children."

"Wait, what? No."

Dr. Smartke was confused, and his mind raced over the events of the day, but they were fading. Like a dream fades as you wake up from your slumber.

It was a dream. Just a dream.

Susan was right--they had no living children. Michael had died, burned to death by the sun when he was just eight. John and Elizabeth were never born. The World Commission law forbade it, and he, being a scientist commissioned to find a remedy that could cure the planet from the lethal rays of the sun, most certainly had to obey the law. This he did willingly, seeing it as a policy all humans needed to comply with. It was the only way they could bide time to find a correction to what mankind had done. Wasn’t it?

"Oh Susan, I'm sorry if I scared you. It was just a dream. A dream that felt so real, but was just a dream. Please forgive me."

"Please come home Charles, you need some rest away from the lab. You won't be able to find your universal "sunblock" without your rest, and I miss you, Charles. Please come home."

"Yes dear, I will. Just give me one more hour here at the lab. I will leave right after that."

"I'll be waiting."

The call disconnected. Dr. Smartke just sat at his desk for a moment.

Slowly he got out of his chair and walked over to the window. The specially painted buildings were still in his view, and all manner of plant life was still missing. He turned his head to see the desk where he had seen Michael sit during a dream that had felt so real. It was turned off and empty.

"I should go home," he said to himself and left.

Boldly going...

Web log - Stardate 10702.09.

We have recently encountered a new species in the living quarters. This is the first we have seen this species in the area. We believe that they were not native to our quarters and at times could be transient with the help of another, larger species, which appears to provide protection for this species. In regard to this new smaller species, although both small and similar in size, one was a bit smaller than the other, and one could speak, forming sentences at will.

We have reason to believe that this small species may grow up to become similar to the less active and not quite as exciting species that offered the smaller species protection. This 'protective' species acted and behaved similar to my wife and me. However, they seemed to be more experienced with the actions of the smaller species, which appears to have fostered a great love between the two.

We enjoyed the company of the larger species as well as the company of the smaller species. Both were pleasant in their own way. The smaller species however seemed fuller of life, and provided a fun filled night, while the larger species was able to strengthen their bond together. We hope that this exciting, young species will find its way back to our living quarters in the future. With the permission of the larger species, of course.

I'm not weak!

So, I consider myself a pretty technical savvy kind a guy. A child of technology. I was part of the aol.com before it was an acronym and way before they added the .com. We use to call it 'a' back in the day (that's 'a' sounded out not pronounced as the letter). I even met a girl in an AOL chat room and then met with her in real life when I was in Jr. High. She ended up going for my best friend, but from what I hear it wasn't a really big loss on my part (my wife is way cuter).

Before I went on my "two-year vacation,” I was groovin with both of the cool Internet slangs used at that time, lol and rotfl/rofl. I would have used other Internet slangs but there weren't any. You can imagine my surprise when I came home and the number of Internet slang words had grown exponentially. People were now chatting in complete slang and beginning each of their sentences with btw. I couldn't help but say 'bless you' every time I saw it.

I realized that after my two-year sabbatical I was done with my cool Internet socializing phase. I wasn't anti-computer. I still live with one in front of me all day long, at home at work at school. But I just couldn't do the whole "meet someone online thing" anymore. If I was going to talk to someone I was going to use my phone, and you know if I felt I could do the physical effort and walk or push the pedals in my car, I would visit people in person.

MySpace.com? Facebook.com? Yeah right. That's for people who graduated with a 2 in front of their graduation year. Online Personals and Singles sites? Not! I like my women in 3-D (today women should be replaced with woman - that's for you honey). I just really like meeting people in person. Electronic stuff just didn't and still really doesn't do it for me.

But then years after getting my first cell phone, I got hooked on blogging. And that's okay, cause I'm not trying to meet anyone in an artificial social electronic world, just find a place where I can talk and no one can tell me to shut up (and if they do I won't post their comment ;). Blogging was as far as I would go. I didn't need to date anymore, ever since I fed my girlfriend some love potion #9 and she married me. Dating sites were totally out of the picture.

But then... then... people I knew kept talking about and using all these social sites like MySpace.com and Facebook.com. Their excuse, "I get to keep in contact with a lot of my friends. Friends from all over the place and back in the day." I'd respond with "send an email, and if you lost contact that's one less person you have to send a 'Merry Christmas' 'Happy Thanksgiving' text during the Holidays. They wouldn't buy it and I didn't care I was happy in my own little anti-myface world.

Or so I thought (I still feel deep down inside that I still feel that way). One day, while minding my own business, my wife tried to send me some links to pictures that her cousin took of our wedding through gchat. I couldn't get to the pictures. Why you may ask? Well because they were on facebook and I didn't have a facebook account. So there I was 'stuck' as my almost two year old nephew would say it. I was still on a wedding picture high and wanted to see those pics. So what did I do... I did it. I really did it. I created a Facebook account. And now my face is viewable to everyone else who has a facebook account. I succumed. Gone.... Forever...

PS. If you're my friend and on Facebook and you are reading this, invite me as a friend already. Gosh!

Post Maritual Engagement

So, I got married. Whoa. What a great day that was. Which is why I have procrastinated the day of my blog posting. Things got crazy busy at the end of last year but I'm back... for now.

My last three comments were little lines that I had been thinking about and overcoming. I was going to say the three lines on three separate days, see what everyone else thought about them and then write a long inspirational well thought out blog that tied the three points together and gave the greatest insight you have EVER read in a blog. But alas, wise friends/comment posters totally stole my thunder. It's a good thing I got married to the most beautiful woman in the world to occupy me while this was going on.

Seriously though, I am amazed at the great insight given upon the points I posted using so little text. I love how people can build each other. Where we can all learn and inspire each other. I think moments in life when people share truth and heartfelt experiences are some of the sweetest peaks in our lives. I hope someday we can be on one large sweet peak, always sharing and growing with one another without any sort of guile (as well as with all the ice cream we could ever want).

Peace Out.

Please stay tuned for insightful...or perhaps interesting... or maybe at least somewhat interesting... or just some plain text that forms the ideas of the guy who writes this blog, interesting or not.

Part Tree (as apposed to Part Bush)

Be at peace inside.

Why is that not always so easy? Or is it and I'm on the sometimes stuff inside of me is wrenching to let go train traveled by few... I'm going with the first assumption.

Part two

You choose who you want to be.

Discuss.

Thoughts Still Processing

Twenty days have passed since the last post. Many thoughts (contrary to popular belief) have processed through my head. And you may have guessed, I still don't think I have a complete thought yet on the subject matter I wrote about on October 3rd. But I do have something.

Doubt is dumb.

Thoughts in progress

I get them sometimes. Thoughts that is. This may be a surprise to those who know me, but it's true I'm not lying. And right now I have a thought in progress. I'm really close to comming to a close, and when I do I'll let you know. But in short, it is a thought about how to be 'you' all the time.

Story still developing...

Too Much THinkin

IT hurts. Make it stop.

I just want to be normal. No more overanalyzing. No more premeditating. No more wondering. No more fearing. No more head hurting. It isn't fun. You know those life experiences where your brain goes into this "energizer bunny" mode of never wanting to stop thinking. It can be started by a life event, a good book, a movie, religion, etc. But the result is always the same. Your brain doesn't want to just relax. It wants to think and analyze and create and ponder and do anything but relax. Sometimes it lasts for just that night you want to go to bed early cause you gots to get up early. Sometimes it lasts for a day or two as you try to figure things out or until you brain gets tired and just reverts back to el normal-o mode. Then there are those times when it just goes and goes and goes. You go to bed with it running (a difficult task but some how achievable). You wake up and it's still running. Day after day. Your body rested, but your brain, it don't stop.

This has happened to me a few times in my life. It has been sourced by career/school choices, religion, and others. Always by something that could be a life changing decision or thought. When I was really trying to decide on the religious path that would draw me closest to my Heavenly Father and Savior, my brain (and heart for that matter) kept beating the energizer bunny drum until I knew what I should do. Now IT's back for good reasons not religious.

You try to just ignore it, but you can't. You have to keep doing things. You can't sit idle cause it hurts more. You just got to keep pushin, still thinkin (despite how much it may hurt) but not too much, until you know what it is you should do. This life thing isn't easy some times. But for some reason I sure love it.

Peaced

PS. Sorry for sounding crazy. not purposely done. it just comes naturally.

Bout Time

So this isn't the blog post I was building the suspense up for so many months ago. That will someday come. When it does, you'll know. But, because of the "reminders" by my good friend Margaret and others, and the nagging feeling I have in the inner portions of my chest that has to talk about something because I don't know of where else I can spew my brain and heart oh so gently out so that I can in essence tell no one, but in actuality tell everyone from Provo, Utah to Bangladesh, India.

Do you ever have moments in your life that you really want to have happen, but then when they happen you feel a fear-like feeling come over you. And this could be a live event you have experienced before, but for some reason this one time you feel you are being discouraged in a way you never have before. And it isn't one of those, "you know you shouldn't being doing this" feelings. It is more of a "this shouldn't be happening again, it isn't real, and even if it is it will be like the rest so allow yourself to fear or get a feeling you have never had before, which isn't a fear you have experienced before, it's much deeper," feeling (yes this is a run-on, but I gave you commas to breath, you also got one in the first paragraph-my blog, my use of grammar).

I know I'm not making much sense, but that's because it is a feeling I have never experienced quite like this before associated with other feelings that are really powerful. I think I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm also not talking in lots of details, but I don't think they would help either. Cause if I did add the details, I know the responses I would get, and they would ignore what I may think is the source of this craziness inside of me.

Anyways, I've vented. Vented so that my buddies in China and Siberia can get confused and ponderous. I don't know what it is with this blogging thing that feels so good to do, but I'm glad I'm finally back to doing it.

PEacin Out

Um, it's still coming I promise

So for weeks I've just taken your feelings of anticipation and have not allowed them to be quenched. And... I'm still not, not yet. But soon, I promise!

I hope you're waiting...

Coming Soon...

Oh you want it.

You'll be mesmerized by it.

Warm fuzzies of joy will fill your fuzzy center.

Candy won't be quite as sweet.

Man's best friend we feel more like an acquaintance.

Mr. Poe, will want to change his name to Moe.

Be excited... be very excited...

Work, Work, Work

Day 1: Wake up, shower, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, read, test take, read, say hi to someone, brush teeth, dress down, sleep.

Day 2: Wake up, shower, don't shave, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, call a good friend, read, read, read, think about brushing, dress mostly down, sleep.

Day 3: Wake up, think about showering, put on deoderant, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, drive, work, drive, take a break studying and discussing that big guy, meet someone new, drive, read, joke with roomate, floss, brush teeth, sleep.

Day 4: Sleep in past alarm clock, still shower (already late), shave, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, drive, work, drive, read, write, read, write, read friend's blog, sleep.

Day 5: Wake up, shower, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, drive, work, drive, fulfill calling, call landlord, think about sleeping, day dream about bed, help friend, pity self, realize self pity dumb, pause... think about the small things, smile, laugh out loud, smile some more, read scriptures, pass out with a smile. :)

Peace out.

Involuntary Stalking

Since the creation of the cell phone there is something that has always boggled my mind. No it's not the fact that the phone works with no cord, or that most cell phones come with caller ID, or that my cell phone has color and can take pictures and video, which in and of itself is just amazing.

I am amazed at what people are willing to talk about, in public, on their cell phones.

I type this post while sitting in the BYU library next to someone I am now involuntarily stalking. I now know about her personal life, her roommate’s personal life, her mom's personal life, and her brother's personal life. All in a 30 minute conversation I don't even have to be a part of.

I wonder if anyone is involuntarily stalking me? I hope not. I hope the most people can get on me, is what I allow to be posted on this blog or that I tell them directly. But then again I don't really care what people know about me, just that I can have some personal time... that's really all I need. Personal time with just me and my cell phone... in public... talking about everything that is going through my life... the life of my roommate... the life of my brother... and the life of my parents...

Free, all at the low cost of having a cell phone. Technology is amazing...

School the evil curse of blessingness

Oh, does school make me tired. I'm tired of papers. I'm tired of tests. I'm tired of thinking about papers. I'm tired of thinking about tests. And I'm tired of reading books I don't want to, or books I want to, but at speeds F14's fly. Sometimes I just feel like I get nothing out of my thousands of dollars that I invest each year into this educational system.

But something tells me it just may be worth it...

Life is Good

You know it's funny to me. I can think that I'm stuck in a moment, not being able to get out of it. Or just be in an apathetic mood, and then something in your life happens. Something that you didn't expect, something small and simple just cause one person decided to invite you to something. Or just cause one person said something or did something for or to you.

This person isn't always someone you know either. It can be a stranger you see while walking down the street or to your class. They could just say hi, or even go further than that, and offer a complement to a complete stranger by saying “You have a great smile.” You can arrive home to find a note from a friend telling you how grateful they are for you.

There are even those friendly invites that appear that they may be more of a damper on things than something that would actually be good for you. You could receive a random phone call from a friend asking if you are free that night to go on a blind date, and while the blind date wasn't the most romantic night of your life, and you didn't experience love at first sight, you for some reason are really comfortable the whole time and just have fun. It was good just to get out, and your date seemed comfortable too.

You can get that emergency phone call pleading for help, and while you are extremely busy with your own projects, and while you had just worked overtime that day at work and felt like your bed was a very important being in your life that also needed you to sleep in it, you get off your bum and help. You then find the comfort, peace, and gratitude for life grow even more. And, surprise, surprise, you aren't as tired any more. You actually feel a renewed strength and are able to get even more done that night than you thought you could without helping.

There are just sometimes in your life, because of the thoughts of others. Perhaps even the selfish thoughts of others that give you a chance to benefit. You grow because of the people in your life. It amazes me, how much more you grow, learn, and become edified by interacting with others, than by taking an extreme amount of 'Me' time. There are so many little tender mercies that come from others in your life, friend or stranger.

I like life.

In fact, I'd say, Life Is Good.

Random Spark Plug

I think that sometimes I have random thoughts.

But I like them.

I like to think about being things I'm not. Sometimes just for fun and other times to sort things out. The other day I was thinking about being a dad. I see nothing better than being a parent or spouse; however, I am not yet either or even close to becoming either.

I also had not just seen a mommy or daddy with a baby, and it had been a while since I have received the “you should get married” speech from my church leaders or parents. So me thinking about being a dad, pretty random. During my daydream, while walking down the stairs of death at BYU, I was thinking about what it would be like to race my own little boy up them. I thought that it could be fun. But then I remembered how frustrating it can be as a kid, when you race someone so much stronger than you. When you try your hardest against kids your age you at least feel somewhat equal, like there's a chance. But when trying your hardest against an adult, especially in physical things, it can be so frustrating. You don’t have a chance. No way. Their legs are like the size of your chest and their arms the size of your legs. Even the skinny adults (like me) are pretty huge to someone who is 65lbs.

When I thought of what my response would be to my little boy who showed this frustration I was surprised at my response.

“Dad, I can’t do it!” he said.

“Yes you can.”

“No I can’t."

I pictured him about 10 steps behind me with one of the faces where the lower lip was sticking out over his upper lip and the eyes glazed with water. I walked up to him and crouched down to his eye level, wiping a tear he fought so hard to keep up but lost.

“Are you trying to beat me, or are you trying to get better?” was my response.

And then it ended.

Now that may not sound so profound to you, but I’m a pretty competitive guy. In sports, academics (when I feel like I have a chance to be, which has diminished over the years), games, fitness, driving (this state of Utah is rubbing off on me, scary I know), and sadly even in spiritual things some times. I’m always comparing myself to others. Not “always” always, but too much. It was a good question to ask myself. I only want to become better, but sometimes it is overshadowed or even driven by a desire to beat the guy next to me. It was a special little experience. I am learning a principle I hope to help teach my children no matter how talented or untalented the may be.

Cool huh.

Baring All!!!

Okay so I decided to share even more of myself on this blogger thingy. Now not only will you get to see my fingers play a guitar, but see me as a child and read my personal journal. I know. I know. This is a bit forward, but I have just felt that you, the Internet, and I have just gotten so close lately. So here I go. I will now bare all.




Cute huh? Okay now I will bare my journal to you all. These are select entries that I wrote from July 1988 to June 1992. I copied the text straight from my journal, mispellings and all. From being a wee lad to a macho teenager as we will see.

July 3 1988
Today I was the most reverent one in class at church. My teacher gave us two lemon drops.

(Check me out, no seriously check this reverent boy out)

June 3, 1989
Today my mom was crabby and tierd.

Jan. 1, 1990
Jenny chaned. When I started to act nicer Jenny acter meaner.

(Jenny back off! It's my bike! Or Trike...)

April 28, 1990
I took me 287 licks to get to the tootsie. (Yes, I really did find out for myself and you can too. I believe.)

Jan 29, 1991
Today was just like yesterday. Tomorrow we are going to get our report cards, I can’t wait. (I have since repented of this evil thought process)

June 21st 1992
Today I went to church. I have a crush on three people (And I can still name all three today)

(I mean, who wouldn't want a piece of that?)

New to This

So I really only created this specific blog just cause I wanted to comment to my father's blog. So I haven't really decided on what I want to post of substance yet, but I did want to see what it would look like. I hope you like the layout; if you know me and have read the name of my blog page it would totally make sense. So to have some 'coolness' to this page I'm going to post a sweet image. My dad took it, and I like it.