How Do I Get Lost?

Probably my favorite summary of the teachings of Jesus Christ is said in the Savior's own words in St Matthew 10:39 (as well as a few other places), "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."

It's been years since I first heard or read those words and it is taking years to feel like I may be beginning to grasp what those words mean. When we first hear the idea of losing yourself to find yourself (or hear it the 100th time) we scratch our heads and say, "that sounds nice, but what does it mean?" "You have a much better chance of finding something if you're looking for it. Hello!" "How do I get lost to find ME?" "Heck, how do I get lost?"

There are a lot of self-help books out there that talk about the importance of finding yourself first. They teach that to be independent, make sure your needs are met first. You are the most important person in your life. Forget others; just think about what makes you happy. The happiness of others cannot happen until you are happy.

I don't buy it. Any of it. At least not anymore.

Anytime I've thought that way I've been miserable. Maybe not at first. In fact, at first I feel invigorated. I feel what I think is freedom. But really it ends up being captivation, because instead of inviting feelings of love and joy and fostering a mindset that leads to choices that matter, it slowly invites feelings of selfishness and greed. I think about me, and then after some time I learn that thinking about me is fun. It's like a drug. I just can't get enough. Wow, look at me. I'm awesome. Come here everyone and bask in my awesomeness and you can be happy too.

Tying to another teaching of Jesus Christ, I hear people quote, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind," and "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself," and (appropriately) saying that these are the two greatest commandments. But, they add, "You can't love your neighbor unless you love yourself first."

I used to agree with that way of thinking. But it never worked. At least not for me. I eventually had the same problem with that as the self-help books. They were the same way of thinking. If I tried to consciously love myself first, I really didn't have time to love my neighbor. I was way too interesting. Or sometimes I was way too worthless so there was no way I could love others.

So then back to the questions, how do I get lost? How do I lose myself? Is there any room for thinking about 'me' when losing myself?

I don't think there is.

I think of those I know that were or are selfless with their life and then I ultimately end up thinking about my Savior who I feel they emulated. Looking at my Savior's life I can find no record where He ever put his feelings first.

Think about the woman who was caught in the act of adultery. What if Christ's thinking was "I can help her but what if she goes and sins some more? She will just ignore the atonement I will be performing for her. That hurts. Never mind let them stone her. It'll hurt too much if she does sin again."

What if He thought that each time I repented?

Yet He doesn't think that way, and "his arm is stretched out still." Everyday He allows me to hurt Him, because He has found His life through losing it for me and you. He is not allowing selfish thoughts about His pain interfere and somehow because He isn’t allowing those thoughts He isn’t having them and He is happy and at peace and filled with more love than we can fathom.

I am happy when I lose myself and unhappy when I try to find myself first.

What do you think?

Stalking a Serviceman - A Plane Ride

I'm not someone who likes to pry into someone else’s life. I don't like hearing things I shouldn't hear or seeing things I shouldn't see (see Involuntary Stalking). Luckily though, last week on a business trip I was able to see and hear a small tidbit into the life of one of our countries finest. The life of an army serviceman returning from Iraq.

The soldier

I sat in one of those small economy jets enjoying the spacious cabin while reading a good book and on came a soldier dressed in uniform. He was happy. I would later find out he was going home for a short break after 14 months of service in Iraq, to which he would return and do another tour of the same length.

This solider sat in the row in front of me, putting me in a perfect position to get a taste of who this man was. A stewardess also noticed him, and wanted to show this man how much she respected him, though she had never met him. She offered him a seat closer to the door. Lucky for me not everyone had boarded yet so no seats ended up being available and he was stuck in the row in front of me. She was denied one attempt to show this man honor, but did not let that stop her from a second attempt.

The stewardess picked up her phone thingy that lets her speak to the spacious cabin all at once and openly thanked that serviceman for his service and invited us in the cabin to show him the same thankfulness and respect. We in the cabin responded with applause.

The conversations he had

Another soldier in civilian clothes was sitting in the row in front of the serviceman. They talked. The soldier in civilian clothes asked why he was in uniform, the serviceman responded that they were now supposed to return home in uniform. The soldier in civilian clothes also asked if he was going to have a drink on the plane ride, the serviceman responded that returning soldiers were not to drink on their trip home anymore either.

The woman he sat next to asked about his family. He took out some pictures and showed them to the woman and with joy told her about his son, daughter and wife. He talked about taking them to Sea World and Disneyland during his visit home. He sounded joyful.

I couldn't help but have respect and admiration for this man I had never met and never spoke to. I didn't know him. But the way he spoke to others was with respect and his attitude toward what may seem pointless rules was one of voluntary obedience.

The fourteen month reunion

This was my first business trip away from my family. I slept the night before alone in my house as my wife went to stay with family during my trip. I missed my wife and newborn son greatly. But so far it had been only one night.

When the serviceman exited the plane I heard the words "daddy" said more beautifully than I have ever heard them spoken and saw his little boy run up to this large soldier and wrap his arms around his father's neck, tears filling the little boy's eyes. The boy looked like he would never let go. That was followed by a little girl doing a similar thing. This soldier lifted both children up and held them in his arms. A mother stood watching longingly, and with admiration. I looked back often as I left the terminal, and the picture didn't change.

A tear came to my eye. I wanted/want to be a father like that. Thank you unknown soldier.