Part Tree (as apposed to Part Bush)

Be at peace inside.

Why is that not always so easy? Or is it and I'm on the sometimes stuff inside of me is wrenching to let go train traveled by few... I'm going with the first assumption.

Part two

You choose who you want to be.

Discuss.

Thoughts Still Processing

Twenty days have passed since the last post. Many thoughts (contrary to popular belief) have processed through my head. And you may have guessed, I still don't think I have a complete thought yet on the subject matter I wrote about on October 3rd. But I do have something.

Doubt is dumb.

Thoughts in progress

I get them sometimes. Thoughts that is. This may be a surprise to those who know me, but it's true I'm not lying. And right now I have a thought in progress. I'm really close to comming to a close, and when I do I'll let you know. But in short, it is a thought about how to be 'you' all the time.

Story still developing...

Too Much THinkin

IT hurts. Make it stop.

I just want to be normal. No more overanalyzing. No more premeditating. No more wondering. No more fearing. No more head hurting. It isn't fun. You know those life experiences where your brain goes into this "energizer bunny" mode of never wanting to stop thinking. It can be started by a life event, a good book, a movie, religion, etc. But the result is always the same. Your brain doesn't want to just relax. It wants to think and analyze and create and ponder and do anything but relax. Sometimes it lasts for just that night you want to go to bed early cause you gots to get up early. Sometimes it lasts for a day or two as you try to figure things out or until you brain gets tired and just reverts back to el normal-o mode. Then there are those times when it just goes and goes and goes. You go to bed with it running (a difficult task but some how achievable). You wake up and it's still running. Day after day. Your body rested, but your brain, it don't stop.

This has happened to me a few times in my life. It has been sourced by career/school choices, religion, and others. Always by something that could be a life changing decision or thought. When I was really trying to decide on the religious path that would draw me closest to my Heavenly Father and Savior, my brain (and heart for that matter) kept beating the energizer bunny drum until I knew what I should do. Now IT's back for good reasons not religious.

You try to just ignore it, but you can't. You have to keep doing things. You can't sit idle cause it hurts more. You just got to keep pushin, still thinkin (despite how much it may hurt) but not too much, until you know what it is you should do. This life thing isn't easy some times. But for some reason I sure love it.

Peaced

PS. Sorry for sounding crazy. not purposely done. it just comes naturally.

Bout Time

So this isn't the blog post I was building the suspense up for so many months ago. That will someday come. When it does, you'll know. But, because of the "reminders" by my good friend Margaret and others, and the nagging feeling I have in the inner portions of my chest that has to talk about something because I don't know of where else I can spew my brain and heart oh so gently out so that I can in essence tell no one, but in actuality tell everyone from Provo, Utah to Bangladesh, India.

Do you ever have moments in your life that you really want to have happen, but then when they happen you feel a fear-like feeling come over you. And this could be a live event you have experienced before, but for some reason this one time you feel you are being discouraged in a way you never have before. And it isn't one of those, "you know you shouldn't being doing this" feelings. It is more of a "this shouldn't be happening again, it isn't real, and even if it is it will be like the rest so allow yourself to fear or get a feeling you have never had before, which isn't a fear you have experienced before, it's much deeper," feeling (yes this is a run-on, but I gave you commas to breath, you also got one in the first paragraph-my blog, my use of grammar).

I know I'm not making much sense, but that's because it is a feeling I have never experienced quite like this before associated with other feelings that are really powerful. I think I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm also not talking in lots of details, but I don't think they would help either. Cause if I did add the details, I know the responses I would get, and they would ignore what I may think is the source of this craziness inside of me.

Anyways, I've vented. Vented so that my buddies in China and Siberia can get confused and ponderous. I don't know what it is with this blogging thing that feels so good to do, but I'm glad I'm finally back to doing it.

PEacin Out

Um, it's still coming I promise

So for weeks I've just taken your feelings of anticipation and have not allowed them to be quenched. And... I'm still not, not yet. But soon, I promise!

I hope you're waiting...

Coming Soon...

Oh you want it.

You'll be mesmerized by it.

Warm fuzzies of joy will fill your fuzzy center.

Candy won't be quite as sweet.

Man's best friend we feel more like an acquaintance.

Mr. Poe, will want to change his name to Moe.

Be excited... be very excited...

Work, Work, Work

Day 1: Wake up, shower, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, read, test take, read, say hi to someone, brush teeth, dress down, sleep.

Day 2: Wake up, shower, don't shave, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, call a good friend, read, read, read, think about brushing, dress mostly down, sleep.

Day 3: Wake up, think about showering, put on deoderant, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, drive, work, drive, take a break studying and discussing that big guy, meet someone new, drive, read, joke with roomate, floss, brush teeth, sleep.

Day 4: Sleep in past alarm clock, still shower (already late), shave, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, drive, work, drive, read, write, read, write, read friend's blog, sleep.

Day 5: Wake up, shower, get dressed, drive, work, drive, work, drive, work, drive, fulfill calling, call landlord, think about sleeping, day dream about bed, help friend, pity self, realize self pity dumb, pause... think about the small things, smile, laugh out loud, smile some more, read scriptures, pass out with a smile. :)

Peace out.

Involuntary Stalking

Since the creation of the cell phone there is something that has always boggled my mind. No it's not the fact that the phone works with no cord, or that most cell phones come with caller ID, or that my cell phone has color and can take pictures and video, which in and of itself is just amazing.

I am amazed at what people are willing to talk about, in public, on their cell phones.

I type this post while sitting in the BYU library next to someone I am now involuntarily stalking. I now know about her personal life, her roommate’s personal life, her mom's personal life, and her brother's personal life. All in a 30 minute conversation I don't even have to be a part of.

I wonder if anyone is involuntarily stalking me? I hope not. I hope the most people can get on me, is what I allow to be posted on this blog or that I tell them directly. But then again I don't really care what people know about me, just that I can have some personal time... that's really all I need. Personal time with just me and my cell phone... in public... talking about everything that is going through my life... the life of my roommate... the life of my brother... and the life of my parents...

Free, all at the low cost of having a cell phone. Technology is amazing...

School the evil curse of blessingness

Oh, does school make me tired. I'm tired of papers. I'm tired of tests. I'm tired of thinking about papers. I'm tired of thinking about tests. And I'm tired of reading books I don't want to, or books I want to, but at speeds F14's fly. Sometimes I just feel like I get nothing out of my thousands of dollars that I invest each year into this educational system.

But something tells me it just may be worth it...

Life is Good

You know it's funny to me. I can think that I'm stuck in a moment, not being able to get out of it. Or just be in an apathetic mood, and then something in your life happens. Something that you didn't expect, something small and simple just cause one person decided to invite you to something. Or just cause one person said something or did something for or to you.

This person isn't always someone you know either. It can be a stranger you see while walking down the street or to your class. They could just say hi, or even go further than that, and offer a complement to a complete stranger by saying “You have a great smile.” You can arrive home to find a note from a friend telling you how grateful they are for you.

There are even those friendly invites that appear that they may be more of a damper on things than something that would actually be good for you. You could receive a random phone call from a friend asking if you are free that night to go on a blind date, and while the blind date wasn't the most romantic night of your life, and you didn't experience love at first sight, you for some reason are really comfortable the whole time and just have fun. It was good just to get out, and your date seemed comfortable too.

You can get that emergency phone call pleading for help, and while you are extremely busy with your own projects, and while you had just worked overtime that day at work and felt like your bed was a very important being in your life that also needed you to sleep in it, you get off your bum and help. You then find the comfort, peace, and gratitude for life grow even more. And, surprise, surprise, you aren't as tired any more. You actually feel a renewed strength and are able to get even more done that night than you thought you could without helping.

There are just sometimes in your life, because of the thoughts of others. Perhaps even the selfish thoughts of others that give you a chance to benefit. You grow because of the people in your life. It amazes me, how much more you grow, learn, and become edified by interacting with others, than by taking an extreme amount of 'Me' time. There are so many little tender mercies that come from others in your life, friend or stranger.

I like life.

In fact, I'd say, Life Is Good.

Random Spark Plug

I think that sometimes I have random thoughts.

But I like them.

I like to think about being things I'm not. Sometimes just for fun and other times to sort things out. The other day I was thinking about being a dad. I see nothing better than being a parent or spouse; however, I am not yet either or even close to becoming either.

I also had not just seen a mommy or daddy with a baby, and it had been a while since I have received the “you should get married” speech from my church leaders or parents. So me thinking about being a dad, pretty random. During my daydream, while walking down the stairs of death at BYU, I was thinking about what it would be like to race my own little boy up them. I thought that it could be fun. But then I remembered how frustrating it can be as a kid, when you race someone so much stronger than you. When you try your hardest against kids your age you at least feel somewhat equal, like there's a chance. But when trying your hardest against an adult, especially in physical things, it can be so frustrating. You don’t have a chance. No way. Their legs are like the size of your chest and their arms the size of your legs. Even the skinny adults (like me) are pretty huge to someone who is 65lbs.

When I thought of what my response would be to my little boy who showed this frustration I was surprised at my response.

“Dad, I can’t do it!” he said.

“Yes you can.”

“No I can’t."

I pictured him about 10 steps behind me with one of the faces where the lower lip was sticking out over his upper lip and the eyes glazed with water. I walked up to him and crouched down to his eye level, wiping a tear he fought so hard to keep up but lost.

“Are you trying to beat me, or are you trying to get better?” was my response.

And then it ended.

Now that may not sound so profound to you, but I’m a pretty competitive guy. In sports, academics (when I feel like I have a chance to be, which has diminished over the years), games, fitness, driving (this state of Utah is rubbing off on me, scary I know), and sadly even in spiritual things some times. I’m always comparing myself to others. Not “always” always, but too much. It was a good question to ask myself. I only want to become better, but sometimes it is overshadowed or even driven by a desire to beat the guy next to me. It was a special little experience. I am learning a principle I hope to help teach my children no matter how talented or untalented the may be.

Cool huh.

Baring All!!!

Okay so I decided to share even more of myself on this blogger thingy. Now not only will you get to see my fingers play a guitar, but see me as a child and read my personal journal. I know. I know. This is a bit forward, but I have just felt that you, the Internet, and I have just gotten so close lately. So here I go. I will now bare all.




Cute huh? Okay now I will bare my journal to you all. These are select entries that I wrote from July 1988 to June 1992. I copied the text straight from my journal, mispellings and all. From being a wee lad to a macho teenager as we will see.

July 3 1988
Today I was the most reverent one in class at church. My teacher gave us two lemon drops.

(Check me out, no seriously check this reverent boy out)

June 3, 1989
Today my mom was crabby and tierd.

Jan. 1, 1990
Jenny chaned. When I started to act nicer Jenny acter meaner.

(Jenny back off! It's my bike! Or Trike...)

April 28, 1990
I took me 287 licks to get to the tootsie. (Yes, I really did find out for myself and you can too. I believe.)

Jan 29, 1991
Today was just like yesterday. Tomorrow we are going to get our report cards, I can’t wait. (I have since repented of this evil thought process)

June 21st 1992
Today I went to church. I have a crush on three people (And I can still name all three today)

(I mean, who wouldn't want a piece of that?)

New to This

So I really only created this specific blog just cause I wanted to comment to my father's blog. So I haven't really decided on what I want to post of substance yet, but I did want to see what it would look like. I hope you like the layout; if you know me and have read the name of my blog page it would totally make sense. So to have some 'coolness' to this page I'm going to post a sweet image. My dad took it, and I like it.